segunda-feira, 25 de março de 2013

A blank page

This is going to be a new and fresh beginning. I'm wearing a winter coat and my spirit and my mind are tired of the cold and rainy days. On the other hand, my luggage is filled with summer clothes and an open spirit to whatever comes from now on. The bag is almost empty, I don't need anything except myself and my colorful light clothes. The rest is space where I put all my frustrations. All my oppressed feelings, unexpressed emotions, so many things that were left to say. I am going to take them with me, but I'll be back without any of them. Instead, I'm bringing a beginning. A fresh and new beginning. One that will be my new best friend for a long time. One that makes me think "It smells like new to me. Again. yes!".

I cannot stop thinking how funny it is that I just keep coming and going. Just like the sign I tatooed in the back of my neck. I have so many different places, cities and countries, where I feel at home, where I can go and say "I feel home, and this is a new page, a blank page, a page I can fill in with whatever, absolutely and literally, whatever I please".
 But despite where I go, I always come to the same place, the only place, the eternal place, the place where I am myself, where I meet with myself and get in touch with it. It's not a physical place, is a spiritual place. The place I keep coming (and going) to.

I can't put to words how much of myself I have been discovering since...I don't even remember how long it has been since it all started. How much of a new person I created, lived, embodied, how much of a different person I am today; different from myself in other points in time, different from everybody else in the world. I can't even identify a precise moment when this started to happen since it was so much, I eventually lose myself and don't know where it started, much less where it is going to "end". Sometimes it is so overwhelming, I don't even know myself anymore. I totally lose contact with reality, entering a different world, live apart and aside of everything, let life pass me by but, at the same time, live it at its most, the most of all mosts, the most happier, the most in love, the most passionate, the most depressed, the most paranoid, the most hectic, the most intense way ever of feeling whatever I'm feeling at that moment. Confusing? Yes, so much!!! I never felt so confused, in such a sure way (paradoxes...) as I feel now.

This is a definition moment. A moment in which I'm realizing what type of a person I am now, what type of a person I was before, I have been, how I developed and progressed into what I am today, and how I am still going to progress into what I'll become tomorrow. Sometimes, the reality-checks cause some pain and confusion, but in the end, there's no reason to be afraid. I know I just have to take life as it comes, and make it mine, all mine. I'm going through a self-realization, self-discovery, transition path, a kind of a metamorphose.

There's one precious thing I learned with all of this: to never stop learning and to never think we learned enough or everything that there was to learn. Never. We start learning from the beggining of the road, but we learn so much more when we reach the other edge of the road.We learn so much when something new and exciting and different from everything we ever lived starts, but we learn so much more by the time that something new becomes used, common, normal, boring, causing pain, not exciting anymore. And then you know, it's time to move on. And that moving on makes you learn so much more than what it already had taught you while you lived it. At its absolute fullest, to the most intensive way,  one can ever experience anything.

So, yes, I am going. But I'm coming back. And when I do, I'll bring a new and fresh start with me. It's a promise I make to myself.

And now, let's listen to the song....

"It's like I've fallen out of bed from a long and weary dream
The sweetest flowered fruits are hanging from the trees
Falling off a giant bird that's been carrying me
It's like I've fallen out of bed from a long and weary dream

Just exactly as I remember
Every word, every gesture
I've my heart in my mouth

Falling off a giant bird that's been carrying me
Finally I'm free of all the weight I've been carrying"

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